@loripalminteriTweets by @loripalminteri
Hey Aliens… You Up?
Last year, NASA had proposed sending nudes into space… you know… for science. What a classic excuse. It was inevitably turned down, which is probably for the best. But if there’s anything we’ve learned, it’s that even the geniuses of this planet are perverts, and not just everyone in show business.
Personally, I just don’t understand what outcome they were hoping for. Because there could only be two reactions when the aliens received nudes. The first and most likely reaction the aliens would have is they’d be like, “cringe, humans are obsessed with their bodies and not their minds.” And the other option is they are really down to fuck, and they come here expecting an orgy but they look like slimy bugs and they’re like, “we are here to get down and dirty with you,” and then we’re like, “errr… new phone, who dis?”
I so badly want to see a UFO, despite how scary it could be in the moment. Though, I’ve no reason to be afraid of aliens. Meanwhile, humans give me new reasons to fear them or be creeped out by them daily. Sometimes when I’m on the road, I drive through long stretches of open land. Just fields and fields. It’s crazy how much of this country is just grass. I feel the same way about a UFO sighting as I do about selling a screenplay, “why not me?” Truthfully, I’m unsure which is more likely. Statistically, it’s probably more likely I’ll see a UFO in my life than sell one of my movie scripts. I’d rather sell a movie script, for the record. Unless the aliens want to buy one of my movie scripts.
I guess you never know. There could be an E.T. figure out there that is just a really big fan of my blog. It’s pretty understandable why they don’t want to talk to us. We’re a mess as a species! And as individuals. Even those of us who relatively have our shit together, we could easily be derailed. I speak for myself, but I know I’m not alone.
I don’t get many, “u up?” inquiries. And if or when I do, it’s unlikely I’ll respond. Unless I know it’s not for sex and it’s a friend who may be in crisis.
Men and women really are like aliens to each other sometimes, though. I was talking with another comic who happened to be in a gym locker room with a presidential candidate. He said he purposefully dropped his towel, because he wanted the presidential candidate to get a look at his dick. Not because he’s gay either. Men just really love an opportunity to show their dicks. I truly do not understand this. Because if I were in a locker room with a presidential candidate, my reaction would not be to drop my towel. I’d be like, “oh god, I hope this guy doesn’t smell my hair or grab my pussy.”
Look, there is nothing wrong with hitting up a booty call. Especially with someone you may have a friends with benefits relationship with. But for Christ and the aliens sake, can we start off texts with a simple, “hey, how are you?” I strongly encourage women not to answer, “u up” texts, that don’t lead in with a friendly salutation and/or spelling out “you.” Grammar, for me, is a turn on.
If I man showed up at my door at 2am looking for sex, I’d taser him. Which is something I may or may not own. If an alien showed up at my door at 2am, ready to talk about what’s out there in the universe? I’d say, “what took you so long?”