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@loripalminteriTweets by @loripalminteri
It was late one night, and I was writing emails, when I got a message from someone I didn’t know, asking if I was interested in being a tickle model. She explained, basically, you’re tied up in lingerie (not nude) and tickled by a third party, usually another woman. She also politely added that she knew this was quite an odd proposal, but a lot of girls do it because it’s good money, and requires literally no work.
At this point, I was howling laughing, and thoroughly convinced it was one of my friends playing a prank on me. Sure. I’ll play along. We were messaging back and forth. She explained that your face can be blurred, and then started asking me personal questions about whether or not I was ticklish (I am, very much so) and where (on a scale of 1 to 10). The pay is $1000 an hour.
I requested that this “woman” or whoever this was send me a link to this fetish website. She did. Behold, there were hundreds upon hundreds of videos of tied up girls getting tickled. Tied to beds, chairs, on the floor, getting tickled mostly by other girls in their underwear, though occasionally a man, and being tickled in various places, usually the feet or under the arm. These videos were available for about $10 each.
Well, this probably isn’t one of my friends pranking me. This is actually real. And then I laughed even harder, like a lunatic. In a year where I’ve been rejected from TV appearances, roles, clubs, and writing gigs, this is the one thing I get. A tickle model.
It would be a total lie if I said I didn’t consider it. $1000? In one hour? That’s a lot of money for my broke ass. That could pay my car insurance. Or a trip somewhere. Or towards some of my debt. I considered it, and then decided I couldn’t do it (although several people, quite seriously, said I should; all these people were males, however). The money was certainly tempting, but so was the story. You might be surprised at what I’ll do for a good story. After all, what are writers other than story thieves? But I decided it was only a good story if I became successful later in life. You know, like those actresses who did porn when they started, like the amazing Helen Mirren, or actors who lived out of cars, like the charming Chris Pratt. These stories are endearing and inspiring if only they succeed. For all the other struggling thespians who did porn or were basically homeless who never succeeded, it becomes just another tragic chapter of desperation in their life.
Also, I would probably have a full blown panic attack if someone I wasn’t sleeping with was trying to tie me up. Plus, it really weirds me out that there’s a large number of dudes masturbating to women getting tickled. Porn, I get. I get masturbating to sex. But tickling? It’s certainly not the weirdest of fetishes, but I don’t want a part of it.
I got a good laugh out of it, joking with other comics about my new credit. A friend/comic said to me, “you can’t do that. Oh God. What would your parents think?” It hadn’t exactly crossed my mind, but I’m sure they wouldn’t be thrilled.
No disrespect to tickle models. Clearly, there’s a market for it, and I’m glad someone is taking advantage of it. If only I knew the thirst for scantly dressed women getting tickled, I would have started the site myself. In a way, I envy them. To say, “fuck it, I made $1000 to get tickled in my underwear, so what?” is a confidence I do not possess.
For better or worse, you can’t find me on the internet getting tickled in lingerie (though if I did, I would go Star Wars, or Batman themed… I did think about this). Now, when people ask me if I have a plan B for comedy, I respond with “tickle model,” and these people study my face, unsure if I’m fucking with them, or if I’m serious. The tone is unclear.