Inheriting Harry: A Comedy Sketch

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• November 19, 2025

“INHERITING HARRY” – A comedy sketch by Lori Palminteri

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

An older VERNON and PETUNIA Dursely from the Harry Potter universe sit in front of a camera, “confessional style.”

Hands, with a clapper board appear for, “Inheriting Harry.”

DIRECTOR (Off Camera): State your name for the camera please.

VERNON: I’m Vernon Dursely.

PETUNIA: And I’m Petunia Dursely.

VERNON & PETUNIA: And we are Harry Potter’s Uncle and Aunt.

PETUNIA: People know us as the bad guy in Harry Potter’s story.

VERN)N: Well, Voldermort was the real bad guy.

PETUNIA: Yes, but, we weren’t the good guys.

VERNON: No, we were portrayed as fat and mean.

PETUNIA: Which is dreadful because we weren’t actually mean.

VERNON/MIKEY: Or fat… back then.

PETUNIA: Harry, of course, as you know, was dropped on our door step. My sister’s son.

VERNON: We took him into our home because he’s our nephew!

PETUNIA: And we tried to love him… we really did. But what Harry doesn’t seem to remember is he was really hard to love. He wasn’t a normal baby.

CUT TO:

INT. DURSLEY HOME – FLASHBACK

Younger, much thinner and better looking, Dursley’s, lovingly pick up a BABY HARRY POTTER. They coo at the baby trying to make it smile. But Baby Harry Potter just speaks in a snake tongue.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – PRESENT

VERNAN: To be honest, we thought he was evil.

PETUNIA: He didn’t cry. But he also never… smiled. He would just stare, and do disturbing things like put on Fox News or CNN.

VERNON: Also, we didn’t make him sleep in the room under the stairs, he insisted on it. Vern built him a lovely nursery, Peter Pan themed, he hated it. He put all of his toys in the fire, except the crocodile.

CUT TO:

INT. DURSLEY HOME – FLASHBACK

The Young Petunia goes into the nursery to check on Baby Harry. The tone is shadowy and dark, like a horror film.

YOUNG PETUNIA: Vernon! VERNON!

Young Vernon enters.

YOUNG PETUNIA: Harry is gone.

YOUNG VERNON: Harry? Harry!

The two search the house. Eventually Young Petunia opens the pantry door under the stairs. Baby Harry is enchanting a mouse with his snake tongue. Baby Harry hisses at her and uses his powers to levitate a broom and shoo her away.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – PRESENT

PETUNIA: And poor Dudley. He was so excited to have a brother… at first.

VERNON: Harry, having lost his own mother, of course was a little jealous.

PETUNIA: We tried our best… until the breast-feeding incident.

They hold hands, recalling…

CUT TO:

INT. DURSLEY HOME – FLASHBACK

Young Petunia is breastfeeding a BABY DUDLEY. Baby Harry crawls out of the room under the stairs. His eyes literally grow green with envy. Suddenly, Young Petunia breast start growing.

YOUNG PETUNIA: Oh my!

Her breasts grow bigger and bigger. The milk pressure shoots Baby Dudley across the room, screaming. Her breasts, essentially, turn into milk sprinklers. As she screams in horror, Baby Harry laughs and claps.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – PRESENT

Vernon and Petunia sit in silence.

PETUNIA: It was traumatic.

VERNON: Worse still, when the bastard lifted the curse, he didn’t even let Petunia keep bigger breasts.

Petunia shakes her head.

Enter HARRY POTTER. Petunia and Vernon grab each other in fear.

HARRY: What are you two doing? Trying to ruin my name? I’m a hero! I’m the most famous wizard of all. There are books, films, amusement parks dedicated to my name. And soon a TV show.

PETUNIA: Yeah. People are really mad about the TV show going woke and casting a black man as Snape.

HARRY: Hah! That’s nothing. Just wait till they really tick off JK Rowling when Harry goes trans and beats all the females in the women’s Quidditch league.

VERNON: You’re going trans in the new show? But why?

HARRY: So I can do this…

Suddenly, Harry grows breast that start shooting milk and he drenches his aunt and uncle. They cry out.

THE END.