Hips That Lie

• Lori Palminteri
• Uncategorized
• May 3, 2026

As a science defying late bloomer (seriously, my pediatricians said they were going to use my growth chart to medical students because I didn’t get my period until I was 17 and had a growth spurt in my 20s), I was doomed to shop at “Kids R Us” in high school. The only pants not in the kids section that fit me were the rare double zeroes. A runt of the litter, I was cute but not “attractive” to anyone except probably pedophiles until I was out of college.

And though I did grow four inches in my twenties and went from an A cup to a C cup nearly overnight at age 23, I lack any sort of hips, whatsoever. It wasn’t until recent history that women with non-existent hips stopped dying in childbirth because having a child would literally break me and they would have to sew me back together.

Look, my skinny stature certainly paid off later in life, so I’m not complaining about my awkward years. To be fair, my personality never got less awkward. I just now look great in a bikini as I avert eye contact and mumble.

For my male readers, you may not understand just how insane women’s dress/pants sizes are. Mens sizes go by the actual measurement, which make sense, or simply by small, medium, large. Women’s dress/pants go by 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12— you get it. What you don’t get, because no one does, is every brands size is completely different. You can hit several stores in the mall and buy all size 4’s and bring them home only to discover none of them are the same size. This is infuriating.

Recently, I discarded of all my size 0s (RIP), but usually I’m a 2, sometimes a 4, depending on the brand. I am on the petite side, especially my hips.

As if that isn’t irritating enough, especially to a girl that finds shopping to be a chore, there is nothing more bonkers size chart wise than wetsuits. Female wetsuits sizes are a real head scratcher. I’m thinner than most women (not a flex, just a fact), and have virtually no ass. Recently, I was shopping to replace my full wetsuit which is necessary as a New York surfer… I cannot get a size 6 over MY hips/butt. Let alone a size 2 or 4. Who are these wetsuits for? Children? Are these just for children? But children have their own sizes. Is Ariana Grande the sizing model for wetsuits?

Surfers (and divers) are generally in good athletic shape. We’re a lean group but we also have muscle because you need muscle to be able to do water activities. Even the manager at the surf shop recommended I just order a wetsuit online because they don’t carry a lot of wetsuit inventory for women because they don’t sell, partly because women surfers are a minority, and partly because they don’t fit anyone! If you’re a curvy woman and you want a wetsuit, I think you’re just kind of screwed. And that makes me angry!

My new wetsuit will be the only thing I own that is a size 8, and I am nervous that won’t fit me! Should I have ordered a 10? Wetsuits are not “fashion,” and therefore I wish they weren’t trying to follow fashion trends with sizing. It’s cool to have a wetsuit with groovy design, but it’s gear. We want function. I think it’s possible a custom made wetsuit business is a great idea.

Honestly, I hate surfing with a wetsuit. No matter how fit you are, you are humbled putting on and taking off a wetsuit. It’s a pain in the (my non-existent) ass. It’s just one more reason permanently locating to Hawaii looks better and better to me. Where the sun and salt water can caress my body like a lover, and I don’t have to deal with rubber layer of skin.